I’m going to tell you straight up what is driving me crazy. It is the very thought that Donald John Trump could be elected President of the United States of America AGAIN.
Many people innocently thought the seemingly harmless rich guy who played the role of Boss on a reality-TV show might be capable of solving some of our country’s problems. They were not much aware of his real-life past, or if they were, they optimistically told themselves and each other that he had grown up or maybe found Jesus. Three years ago, I didn’t know one-tenth of what I do now about Trump’s dubious morality, pathetic ignorance, failures at business, fiscal irresponsibility, pathological narcissism, tenuous grasp of reality, and lack of any qualification whatsoever for leadership, but I already knew enough to make me skeptical. I now have heard and seen terrible things from his own lips, gestures, tweets, and plea-bargaining lackeys, things that even People magazine could never have dreamed of. I don’t, however, blame those who three years ago said, “Let’s give it a shot.”
Throughout my life, I have disagreed with a lot of people on a lot of subjects, important and trivial, but we have shared a core of common perceptions about reality and the words we used to describe it. I have been lied to, and the lies have been denied, but when real-world events could no longer be denied, the lie was acknowledged, however grudgingly. Not all lies in my life have been uncovered, of course, but after all is said and done, there has been a working agreement with even the most despicable characters and scammers as to the difference between truth and untruth.
When a loved one, who was suffering from dementia, said she had never seen me before in her life, I could not agree or disagree with her. She was not lying, but neither was her statement true. Those of us who loved her had tried to argue with her about some small inconsistencies in things she said until finally we had to acknowledge that her realities did not match ours. She was trapped in a nightmare, and though she crossed back over occasionally into the world of the awake, we could not penetrate her nightmare reality when she was in it.
I am not disappointed in Trump. My expectations and hopes were extremely low, leaving little room for disappointment, but I have been surprised and shocked at the depth and breadth of his revealed and even bragged-about cruelty, sexual depravity, greed, ignorance, and–why not say it–mental illness. I AM, however, beyond disappointed by a shocking number of his co-dependents with whom I cannot agree or disagree in the same way that I could not agree or disagree with my loved one as she crossed over into a reality of her own that I couldn’t penetrate. I am beyond disappointed. I am disconcerted and alarmed, and I have no idea what to do. I feel as if I am in one of those nightmares where you scream and scream but no one hears you.
It is painful to face harsh realities, but there have been benefits and out-of-the-comfort-zone growth. Trump and his enablers have driven me from reading and believing hagiographies about the USA and its founders and leaders to researching and trying to grasp history, including those episodes that make my tribe look bad. They have made me doubt everything from democracy to capitalism to free enterprise to evangelical Christianity, where my roots ran deep. They have made me look beyond “good” words like liberty and homeland and “bad” words like socialism, beyond utopian IDEALS to practical IDEAS (regardless of their deserved or derisive labels) that might solve problems.
The religious among those co-dependent enablers who now embrace so many things they once despised and preached that I should despise, like adultery, lying, meanness, and naked Ladies, whether First or farther down the line, drove me to really study, with curiosity and an open mind, the Bible that I had professed to believe for so long and from which they were thumping out so many contradictory “truths.” They made me suspicious of any religious fellowship, leaving me to seek God on my own rather than cling to a community and trust members and leaders of that community to clarify right and wrong for me.
But there are times when I would like to be proven wrong, to wake up from this demented reality and find that it was just a nightmare.